Conversion disorder

Conversion disorder
Rheumatoid arthritis
sjogren disorder

This is what i have in my life....
Not ganna lie it tough.
The past year been the hardest year,
Hospital. In and Out!
I thought i was going to die twice.
I thought i was never ganna walk ever again Three times.
I thought i was Crazy the hole year!
They couldnt explain my condision.
They kept telling me that " Its in my head"
I knew it wasn't.... But at the same time i though i was going crazy!

In march 09 I went in the hospital For two weeks with out walking. Numbness in both legs. I major head ache. And depression. I had thought Of killing My self.
I just didn't understand.
I had a very Trusting and helpful Doctor. Dr. Isreal. May be the only person that understood me and i Trusted.
She was my Angel through all this.
She wanted to make the decision To Put me a phyc ward.
Im not even ganna lie, I was so scared! Took my cell away, everything i owned.
I was going in there for depression.
To help face my fears.
While i was there i had to find out what triggers my bad thought and anger.
I was there for 5 days.
And i found out what was wrong.
The thing that triggered My bad thought and pain was the image and voice of my mother,
Isnt that crazy my own mother!
Every move i make i hear her voice. Or see her image in my mind yelling at me with her devious look like she always has.

When i came out the hospital. I felt like a newer person, because i knew what i had to do.
Just stayed away and clear my thoughts.
so i did... For A lil while.
Came back Home and my Thoughts came back!
No One Knows. Dont Plan to say anything.
Im trying To start My life.
Well Because arent On my Back 24/7 They cant see my moves of improvement,
well i really only have to do it for my self.
Im trying Im my way To fIx me.
But by Making me feel Worthless and Make me feel useless.
It just makes it worst and pushing me away.
So far that you wont even know where im at.
Out of state.
This will happen.
When it does the they will look at them selves and ask " what did i do"
Just watch..... Not now.
Im not ganna give up my life yet. I'm still ganna try and fix it Till my last breath! Just
this hate i have must go away.

Till i fix my self i will continue writing, Listening to my ipod, Laugh. Try to be happy!
Let pray for the best!
My one person that wont judge and understand as family is DJ...... Thank you. I love you!